Expectations

November 29, 2010 by 7 Comments

When I was pregnant with our first child, I had a picture in my mind of what it was going to be like staying at home with our baby. I envisioned my husband coming home from work each day to a clean house, with supper ready and our baby peacefully sleeping. Reality was of course a far cry from what I had envisioned! With a baby who nursed every hour and a half for an hour at a time, My husband was lucky if I had managed to get dressed during the day let alone have a shower, clean the house or make dinner.

Looking back, my expectations were of course very unrealistic. I was the first in our family to have a baby however, and also the first of my friends, so I had no experience with the realities of motherhood. My expectations were based on what I had seen on TV, in movies, and in books and magazines. Those idealized images of “Supermom” having a spotless house, dinner on the table, and hair and makeup done all while caring for a young baby, were all I had to go on.

Because of this, the transition of going from working woman to stay at home mom was a difficult one. During the many hours that I spent nursing our son, I would often get frustrated by his frequent nursing. I had other things that I needed to get done. Whatever happened to newborns sleeping most of the day?! I was used to being on the go and busy, so spending most of the day sitting on the couch felt like wasted time, and I felt guilty when the household chores went undone. Other parents could manage a baby, house and husband, so why couldn’t I? My husband was very supportive, and certainly didn’t care that dinner wasn’t ready or that the house hadn’t been tidied up, but I did care, and I felt guilty for not being able to “do it all”.

By the time I was nursing our second child, my expectations were more realistic, however I still struggled with the difference between my expectations and reality (especially with another child to look after!). It was not until our daughter was much older that I came to the realization that during all those hours of sitting on the sofa nursing, I was actually doing something very important. The most important thing I will ever do in my life. I was feeding her, comforting her, stimulating her brain growth and development, and teaching her about trust and loving relationships (all by just nursing!). Once I came to the realization that nursing her was my job, and an important one, it became much easier to ignore the laundry that was piling up and the fact that we were having sandwiches for dinner (again) because I hadn’t had time to cook. I was able to adjust my expectations, and accept the fact that I was going to be spending a lot of the day (and night!) nursing. These days, I really miss those evening periods of cluster nursing when I had an excuse to put my feet up, put the TV on and stay there for 3 hours!

Unrealistic expectations can lead to a lot of problems. They can be damaging to the breastfeeding relationship, and can often lead to early weaning. When a newborn baby is hungry every 2 hours (which is very normal), the expectation that babies only need to eat every 3-4 hours can cause a mother to doubt her ability to produce enough milk for her baby. Expectations can be damaging to a woman’s sense of herself as a mother. It’s easy to feel like a terrible mother when you’re struggling (as I was) with an unrealistic view of what it’s like to be a mom. When you’re out in public and seeing mothers around you who look happy with their perfectly behaved children, you start questioning your abilities as a parent. Expectations can also cause unnecessary struggles with your children, when (for example) you are trying to get your young baby to sleep through the night because that’s what the books say your child should be doing.

Considering the fact that most of us have grown up in a society where detached parenting has been the norm, and the supermom stereotype is readily perpetuated, it’s not surprising that many of us do have very unrealistic expectations. Combine this with the fact that many women have never even held a newborn baby, let alone seeing someone else breastfeed or parent their child, and many of us are sadly unprepared for the realities of motherhood. We are not meant to parent in isolation. We learn from watching others, and sharing ideas and experiences. This is why it is so important to establish a good support system. In my early days as a parent I found a lot of support on-line, and eventually with my daughter, I found La Leche League. As friends and family started having babies of their own, they also became a valuable source of support.

As I grew as a mother, and saw those around me struggling with the same things I had struggled with, I realized that when you see those happy mothers in the store with their perfect children, there is something you haven’t seen. You haven’t seen that same mother yelling at her perfectly behaved children moments before they entered the store because she’s having a rough day and her children were fighting non-stop in the car. During my time as a La Leche League Leader, I would often hear mothers who were new to our group comment on how well behaved the children were and how relaxed the mothers were during meetings. Usually they were commenting because they felt like that would never be them, and they were feeling insecure about their abilities as a mother. That is why I used to make it a point during some meetings to talk about the things that we are less than proud of as mothers. Those were the times when you would hear about those calm mothers yelling at their children because they just can’t take the whining anymore, or the frustrations of constant tantrums. You would hear about the less than healthy meals that their children have had during those times when the moms are so tired from late night feedings, or being up with a sick child that they can’t find the energy to cook. You would hear about the piles of laundry and the fact that they hadn’t cleaned their bathroom for 2 weeks, and you would start to realize that you’re not such a bad mother after all!

There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and we certainly do ourselves no favours as a society by holding up an unattainable ideal for mothers. I still struggle at times with my own expectations of myself as a mother, but I have made a lot of progress. I have surrounded myself with a strong support system, I’ve learned to listen more to my heart and my instincts, and most importantly, and I’ve learned to be gentle on myself when reality doesn’t live up to my expectations.

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, Expectations, Mothering, Parenting

Beware of Holiday Weaning

November 21, 2010 by 26 Comments

With the holiday season fast approaching, I am anticipating getting calls about fussy babies and low milk production. Why does the holiday season bring about these calls? Because moms get busy. There’s Christmas shopping to do, cards to write and mail, parties to attend, groceries to do, meals to be planned and prepared, traveling and visiting with friends and family etc. The holidays are a busy time, and sometimes in all the hustle and bustle and excitement, breastfeeding is often (unintentionally) disrupted.

It’s easy for feedings to be missed when your baby is being passed from family member to family member. For some babies this might not be a problem if they are the type of baby who will protest loudly (usually prompting a quick return to mom). For babies who tend to be very easy going however, two things can happen in this situation. One, is that your baby becomes overwhelmed by the stimulation and shuts down by going to sleep. The other is that well meaning family members, in an attempt to “give you a break”, try to soothe your baby rather than handing him over for you to nurse, and again, your baby shuts down and goes to sleep (and misses a feeding). Older babies may be too distracted by all the excitement to actually settle down and nurse. Sometimes feedings may be missed or held off because you’re in the car (out shopping etc), and it’s not a convenient time to nurse.

Because milk production works according to supply and demand, these missed feedings can have an impact on the amount of milk you produce. Another factor is that stress can inhibit letdown (and lets face it, the holidays are often a stressful time!). If letdown is slow, this can result in a baby who is fussing at the breast which can cause a mom to doubt her ability to feed her child. Baby is fussing not because milk production is low, but because the milk isn’t letting down fast enough and he’s getting impatient. Sometimes however, depending on how patient your baby is, he may not take in as much milk as usual. This sends a signal to your body to slow down milk production and if the situation is prolonged, it can result in true low production of milk.

Along with this is the inevitable unsolicited advice from family members and friends which can sometimes shake a mother’s confidence that she is doing the right thing “How can he be hungry again? You just fed him!” “You’re going to spoil him by nursing him and holding him so much”. “Are you sure you have enough milk?” Comments like these can cause a mother to question her abilities and choices.

A temporary dip in milk production due to a few missed feedings and holiday stress, is usually easily fixed by increasing the frequency of nursing and spending as much time as possible skin-to-skin with your baby. Sometimes however, the holidays are a slippery slope to early weaning. Missed feedings, fussiness due to over stimulation and a mom’s decreased confidence in herself due to comments from friends and family can lead to the introduction of bottles. If mom is not pumping every time her baby gets a bottle, her body gets the message to slow down milk production. Combine this with the possibility of baby developing a preference for the fast flow of milk from a bottle, and soon you have a baby that isn’t happy at the breast. With perseverance the situation can usually be resolved, but more often than not it leads to complete weaning from breastfeeding, and can leave mom with a lot of self doubt.

In order to avoid holiday weaning, remember: family first, and people before things. It’s OK to set limits and say no to family and friends if you feel that you (or your baby!) can’t cope. Try to make sure that your baby is nursing according to his/her usual pattern, and be alert to your baby’s cues. Be prepared to intervene if your baby is getting over stimulated, needs some extra nursing etc. If necessary, find a quiet place to nurse so that your baby is not distracted while nursing, and most important of all, don’t allow yourself to feel guilty if nursing is preventing you from “helping out”. Your baby doesn’t know it’s the holidays, and his needs don’t change just because it’s a busy time of the year. Frequent nursing will make sure that your baby continues to get what he needs, will help to protect both of you from the stresses of the holiday season, and will prevent holiday weaning. Happy Holidays!

 

 

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, Holidays, Mothering

Why breastfeeding help should be hands off

November 15, 2010 by 4 Comments

When helping moms who are struggling with breastfeeding, it can be very hard to resist the temptation to get right in there and help latch the baby on. It is important however for breastfeeding helpers, whether IBCLC, nurse, midwife, LLL Leader, peer counselor etc, to be hands off when it comes to helping mothers with breastfeeding.
The most important thing we can do when working with breastfeeding families, is to help empower the mother to believe in herself and her ability to feed her baby. If we latch the baby on for her, we take her power away. I’ve spoken to too many moms who say to me “It worked fine when the LC (midwife, nurse etc) was here, but now I can’t get him latched on and I don’t know what to do”. How long is a mother going to breastfeed if she feels like she can only do it with someone beside her to help latch her baby on? What does that do to the mother’s self-esteem? Many women feel like failures if breastfeeding doesn’t work out, or they are having difficulties. “I can’t even do something as natural as feed my own baby” (this is even worse if the mother is already feeling like a “failure” due to a birth that didn’t go as planned). Breastfeeding help certainly should not be contributing to feelings such as these!
Hands on help can also cause other problems beside the damage it can cause to the mother’s self-esteem and confidence. Babies who have been roughly handled at the breast (“The nurse grabbed his head and shoved him on there”) can develop an aversion to nursing. This of course further erodes the mother’s self confidence and many mothers take it personally, thinking things such as “he’s pushing away so he must not like me”. Babies who are latched on this way seldom have a good latch, and then you are also adding sore nipples into the mix which further decreases the chance that mom is going to continue breastfeeding.
Something else to consider is the effect that hands on help might have on a woman who is a survivor of sexual abuse. Breastfeeding can sometimes trigger strong reactions in survivors of abuse (it can also be very healing as well). Too many times I’ve heard or read the words “she just grabbed my breast and latched him on” and I cringe when I think about how extremely damaging that kind of “help” could be.
If you want to teach someone how to do something, you don’t do it for them. You provide information, support and encouragement and allow them to work out the fine details for themselves. Mothers and babies already have all the instincts they need to breastfeed effectively, but these can sometimes be drowned out by our culture. Mothers need to be empowered to embrace their instincts. A skilled breastfeeding helper should be able to describe to a mother how to assist her baby to get a good latch. I find that my “teaching doll” (as my daughter calls her) is a wonderful tool because mothers learn by watching other mothers (a reason why it is a wonderful idea to attend La Leche League meetings while still pregnant, or while trying to refine latch and positioning). I use the doll to demonstrate positioning and latching technique. Rarely do I use my hands on mother or baby, other than occasionally supporting mom’s movements as she latches her baby on herself.
So what can breastfeeding helpers and mothers do? To start with, breastfeeding helpers should sit on their hands if necessary! I know that the urge to latch a baby on comes from a feeling of wanting to help, but as I hope I’ve pointed out here, it can do more harm than good.
For moms, let your breastfeeding helpers know that all you need is instruction and demonstration, and that you want to be able to do it yourself. Don’t be afraid to tell them “Hands off!”.

Filed Under: Breastfeeding

What my children learned at my breast

November 13, 2010 by 34 Comments

Breastfeeding has taught me many things about being a mother, but I was thinking recently about what it taught my children. As I thought about it, I realized that it taught them much more than I realized at the time.
My son nursed until he was 5 months, at which time we weaned due to undiagnosed tongue tie that led to severe biting. Although it was a short time compared to the 3 years and 3 months that my daughter nursed, the many hours that we spent nursing taught my son that I was there for him and that his needs would be met. The skin-to-skin contact, my scent, the sound of my voice, along with my milk, all helped to nourish and grow his body and brain. My son learned that the world is a safe and wonderful place, and those emotional memories will be the place from which he approaches the world.
My daughter learned the same lessons as a young baby, and as a toddler, she learned many other lessons at the breast. My daughter learned to share at the breast. Little did I realize at the time that nursing all those stuffed animals, dolls and plastic toys was actually helping my daughter learn to share and wait her turn! My daughter learned to be gentle. The bruises and scratches on my arms from my daughter pinching me while nursing just couldn’t continue, so I taught her nursing manners. Whenever she started to pinch, I would take her hand and stroke my arm with it while saying “gentle”. When she started to bite I would say no biting, put her down and walk away for a moment. She would cry and then we would sit down again for her to nurse. She learned that there are limits on what we can do to each other, and that certain behaviours are not acceptable.
During those times of toddler nursing when I was feeling touched out and had to limit nursing for my own sanity, I would tell her “Mommy’s going to sing the alphabet (or count to 10) and then we’re done” My goal was to finish nursing as quickly as possible with as little fuss as possible, but during those trying times of me feeling touched out by a toddler who was nursing like a newborn again, my daughter learned the alphabet and how to count to 10.
During the wonderful, peaceful times that we had in the rocking chair as I was nursing her to sleep, I would sing to her. I am certainly no singer, but I sang because I had read that it could help to ease the transition to going to sleep without nursing. When she was ready, we gradually replaced nursing to sleep with just cuddles and songs. I was doing it to make things easier on myself and my husband, but I realize now that all of my singing helped my daughter to develop a love of music. My daughter is now 7 and my son is 9, and singing is still a part of our bedtime routine that all of us look forward to.
My daughter learned to be patient at the breast. As she got older and I became less comfortable nursing her in public, she sometimes had to wait to nurse. If I was feeling stressed, sometimes she had to wait for my milk to letdown. Although it may have been frustrating for her at times, those moments taught her that patience has its rewards.
At the time, as I dealt with the trials of a nursing toddler, I didn’t realize that I was also teaching my daughter life lessons. Looking back I can see that there are many things that she learned during our time spent nursing, and I am thankful that simply putting her to breast taught her the most important lesson of all. She learned to trust. I was always there, ready and willing to nurse her whenever she needed to. Whether she was hungry or thirsty, hurt or scared, tired or overwhelmed, I was there to nurse her and help her feel better. She learned that she was safe and secure and that her needs would always be met. Because of that, she is a very adventurous, outgoing and social child. It is certainly possible to teach children the same thing without breastfeeding (as evidenced by the fact that my son is also securely attached, outgoing and adventurous) but nursing just makes the whole process so much easier. I really miss the days of being able to soothe a tantrum or settle my daughter to sleep just by nursing. It often felt like I wasn’t doing anything other than sitting around all day, but looking back I can see that I was teaching my daughter some very important lessons, and laying a strong foundation from which she can fearlessly go out and meet the world, knowing that she has a safe place to come back to.

 

Filed Under: Breastfeeding

If Only I Had Known

November 10, 2010 by 3 Comments

While trying to get started with my blog, I found myself getting really stuck with my first post. While struggling with my writing, I started to think about what my goals are with my blog. In short, my main goal is to try to provide parents with the information that I wish I had been given before having my own children.
During my journey so far as a mother, I’ve had plenty of moments where I’ve found myself thinking “I wish I had known this when my children were babies”. The more I learn about breastfeeding, mothering and attachment parenting, the more I realize how little I knew when I first brought a new life into this world. When I was pregnant with our first child, I was working as an RN on the obstetrics unit of the local hospital, and I thought I was well prepared to birth, and care for a baby. I’m well educated, I had read the typical books, and taken a prenatal class with my husband. I figured I was ready! Time has taught me however just how wrong I was.
Breastfeeding seemed to go well with our son, although feedings usually took about an hour and he was feeding every hour and a half. Around 5 months, he started biting me badly at every feed. It got to the point that I dreaded feeding him, and eventually, we weaned him to bottles of formula (I know now that his biting was due to an undiagnosed tongue tie) .
Looking back, I find myself thinking “If only I had known then what I know now”. None of the resources I read before the birth of our son explained about the risks of artificial feeding. Everything I read or was told, suggested that breastfeeding was best, but formula was OK if it didn’t work out. At the time, no one told me that there are numerous risks to artificial feeding (the increased risk of asthma for example, which our son has) . No one taught me baby-led bottle feeding to avoid overfeeding, or that rice cereal isn’t a necessary first food and that it’s not necessary to puree everything. I didn’t know about the advantages of co-bedding or babywearing. I didn’t know about a lot of things.
We muddled through of course, and thanks to the fact that my husband and I at least trusted our instincts and ignored the constant warnings that we were holding him too much, our son is securely attached, and a very happy and outgoing child.
Looking back at the choices we made, I don’t feel guilty about the fact that I weaned him to formula, I feel angry. Angry that with all the evidence based information about breastfeeding and parenting that is out there, for some reason, it is not getting to the people who need it the most – the parents!
All of my information came from mainstream books and magazines that contained questionable information, booklets from formula companies that are designed to undermine breastfeeding, and doctors and nurses who had little to no training about infant feeding. It’s no wonder I didn’t make it past 5 months of breastfeeding with my son.
With our daughter, who was born 27 months later, I knew more, but we still struggled for the first four months of breastfeeding (undiagnosed posterior tongue tie). The only reason we made it to just over 3 years of breastfeeding was because of my extreme stubbornness the second time around. I was determined it was going to work, and it did, but the first few months were horrible, and would have been so much easier if only I had known….
So my goal at the moment is to try to make sure that the next generation of parents have fewer “If only I had known!” moments than my husband and I have had (and will continue to have, I’m sure) with our children.

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, Mothering, Parenting